Monday, January 10, 2011

No baby come September

Today marks 11 DPO and the 5 tests I took all were negative. Guess, that's telling me that I'm not pregnant. I guess I should take this as a sign. My hubby is a union electrician and were starting to question the benefits of being in the union anymore. Benefits were cut so much, pay was cut, no more sub fund(if you were on unemployment you received a sub check for $250) that we paid into. I know times are tough all around but all this talk about how the union is so wonderful is making me question if it really is. 
And honestly after my pregnancy with Peyton I don't know if I really would want to possibly go through all of that again. I was watched thisclosely when I was pregnant with Olivia and I knew that signs of pre-e and what to look for but after Olivia was born I really had time to think about just how dangerous pre-e is. Both Peyton and myself could have died if I didn't listen to my body. My old Ob/GYN was just an ass and never caught any signs. (that's a whole different post in itself) I truly believe that I suffered PTSD. I had/have all the signs. I still freak about preemies and pre-e. Maybe someone up there is trying to tell me that I should count my luck stars that all 3 of my babies and myself are still here.

I'm really in a funk tonight, I'm assuming it's due to the negative tests and the fact that I most likely won't have anymore babies. Its breaking my heart. I LOVE being pregnant and deep down I know that I never will again.
and with that I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of our favorite books
"On the night you were born, the moon smiles with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, 'Life will never be the same'.  (from On the Night you were born by Nancy Tillman)

No comments: